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Things about talking to children I need to remember
copied from todays post on Parenting Passageway
1. When you blame and accuse me –
- I hear: I’m no good, I do everything wrong
- I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
- I need: for you to listen without interrupting and judging me, to set boundaries for me if I need, but most of all to love me despite my flaws and mistakes
2. When you call me names –
- I hear: I’m stupid, I’m lazy, I’m no good
- I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
- I need: encouragement
3. When you threaten me–
- I hear: a person I love is going to hurt me
- I feel: afraid, in danger, unsafe, terribly alone
- I need: boundaries set and kept in a loving way, I need to see a way to de-escalate conflicts peacefully, I need to feel your warmth and your love
4. When you command, order or coerce me–
- I hear: I have no choice, I am powerless, I don’t matter
- I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
- I need: to be able to make mistakes when the cost is small in order to learn, limits but with enough freedom that I can still grow into being myself, understanding and love
5. When you keep warning me –
- I hear: I am careless, I am stupid, I don’t think well
- I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
- I need: a safe way to channel my wonderful ideas, my energy
6. When you make martyrdom statements:
- I hear: I am selfish, I am thoughtless, I am mean
- I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, guilty and bad
- I need: to see how someone asks for help when they need it, to see how someone can take care of themselves and still take care of others, how someone exercises self-control of their mouth, how someone has a positive attitude
7. When you make comparisons:
- I hear: I am not good enough, everyone else is better, you don’t love me
- I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
- I need: you to guide me to improvement, you to show me how to solve a problem or a challenge
8. When you are sarcastic –
- I hear: voice words and tones that don’t match the situation
- I feel: confused
- I need: your sincerity, your gentle voice and hands to guide me, to see how children of different ages are parented in different ways
9. When you make negative prophesies–
- I hear: I will never do it right, I will never be enough, my life will be ruined
- I feel: hopeless, unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
- I need: your encouragement, your guidance, your ability to let me mistakes when the cost is small, your love and compassion, your demonstration that sometimes “okay” is “good enough”
10. When you lecture and moralize –
- I hear: I should be better than I am, I will never get this right
- I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless. alone and isolated
- I need: your love, your boundaries to keep me safe, your warmth and understanding, your stories about what you were like at this age and what happened and did you ever at all feel the way I feel
Bullet response
Playgroup vs. Extended family: You are missing the point on this one. The point she is trying to make is socializing should be done at home without having to go somewhere. You know, with people in the neighborhood. Again,she's describing an "ideal" situation where family live in the same neighborhood. Not a lot of people have family nearby, but family can be created.
Isolation: you responded to this one yourself. The answer is to invite people over. The children stay home, in their own environment as much as possible. Isolation is really bad for adults, it isn't necessarily so for young children. Playgroups are for adults, not for the kids. We say its for the kids so they can be "socialized" but in reality the kids would be just as happy to stay home and play with their toys and/or their sibs, its Mom who needs the outing.
Idealism: Humans are adaptable to a certain point. Why do we have such a huge increase in autism? Why an explosion in sensory processing disorders? ADD? ADHD? Auto-immune disease? Anthroposophists point to an over-stimulating childhood (ages 0-7)that is rampant in our culture. You've got to remember this is a philosophy that believes that TV, Video Games, recorded music, and computers should NEVER be in a home with young children, or at least never exposing the children to it. It also believes that children have no business near a computer until High School! Part of the parent contract at most Waldorf Schools is that you will not allow your children to watch movies or TV. They are very concerned with over-stimulation. Is this a romantized ideal? Yes. Is it doable? Yes. Is it work to make it doable? Absolutely. Do I know of anybody that actually keeps to the ideal? No. But we know that the ideal is, and we do our best to meet it. Why? We try because we believe that on some level, this idea of over-stimulation is correct. And we make the changes that fit our family lifestyle.