Things about talking to children I need to remember

[aelfie]

copied from todays post on Parenting Passageway

1.  When you blame and accuse me –

• I hear:  I’m no good, I do everything wrong
• I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
• I need: for you to listen without interrupting and judging me, to set boundaries for me if I need, but most of all to love me despite my flaws and mistakes

2.  When you call me names –

• I hear:  I’m stupid, I’m lazy, I’m no good
• I feel: unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
• I need: encouragement

3.  When you threaten me–

• I hear:  a person I  love is going to hurt me
• I feel:  afraid, in danger, unsafe, terribly alone
• I need: boundaries set and kept  in a loving way, I need to see a way to de-escalate conflicts peacefully, I need to feel your warmth and your love

4.  When you command, order or coerce me–

• I hear:  I have no choice, I am powerless, I don’t matter
• I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
• I need: to be able to make mistakes when the cost is small in order to learn, limits but with enough freedom that I can still grow into being myself, understanding  and love

5.  When you keep warning me –

• I hear:  I am careless, I am stupid, I don’t think well
• I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
• I need:  a safe way to channel my wonderful ideas, my energy

6.  When you make martyrdom statements:

• I hear:  I am selfish, I am thoughtless, I am mean
• I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, guilty and bad
• I need:  to see how someone asks for help when they need it, to see how someone can take care of themselves and still take care of others, how someone exercises self-control of their mouth, how someone has a positive attitude

7.  When you make comparisons:

• I hear:  I am not good enough, everyone else is better, you don’t love me
• I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless
• I need:  you to guide me to improvement, you to show me how to solve a problem or a challenge

8.  When you are sarcastic –

• I hear: voice words and tones that don’t match the situation
• I feel: confused
• I need:  your sincerity, your gentle voice and hands to guide me, to see how children of different ages are parented in different ways

9.  When you make negative prophesies–

• I hear:  I will never do it right, I will never be enough, my life will be ruined
• I feel:  hopeless, unloved, unlovable, incapable and worthless
• I need: your encouragement, your guidance, your ability to let me mistakes when the cost is small, your love and compassion, your demonstration that sometimes “okay” is “good enough”

10.  When you lecture and moralize –

• I hear:  I should be better than I am, I will never get this right
• I feel:  unloved, unlovable, incapable, worthless. alone and isolated
• I need:  your love, your boundaries to keep me safe, your warmth and understanding, your stories about what you were like at this age and what happened and did you ever at all feel the way I feel

 

Comments

[mollygm.livejournal.com]

Yeah, skip the warnings and threats. Go straight for the belt!

:P

[mollygm.livejournal.com]

I keed, I keed.

I skipped around to a few of her posts. Seems like a good site. I do like that this post explores the child's perspective. I read her post on socializing and I didn't agree with most of it. Then I read the comments and... I dunno... I was concerned that she and some of these other moms might be downright psychotic.

Her other stuff is pretty good, though. Thanks for the lead! I think I might post a "parenting" entry. I've had some things on my mind.

[aelfie.livejournal.com]

Which one on socializing? I'd love to see which one you are talking about.

One thing to remember this is a Waldorf/anthroposophical parenting site....there is a definite slant.

[mollygm.livejournal.com]

http://theparentingpassageway.com/2009/09/07/social-experiences-for-a-four-year-old/

Make sure to read all the comments and the part two, in response to the chick who asked about tribal socializing and crap.

Then Carrie says extended family is great. Ok... so your kids can play with each other and anyone one who is related to you, but not friends?

[mollygm.livejournal.com]

Why didn't this show up in my messages? I'll go look for it now. It wasn't anthropohoosits at ALL. She *literally* said you shouldn't let your child socialize with other children for more than 1 hour a week, whether you're present or not. Then the comments were even more wacka-doo. One woman apologetically explain that she lives in the city, so she takes her kid to the park, where he socializes with other children, even though she doesn't mean for that to happen. Then she asks this Carrie chick what she thinks.

I'll go look for it.

Nah, not psychotic

[aelfie.livejournal.com]

Just pure unadulterated, conservative anthroposophical philosophy. Its a description of an ideal. Socialization with family is fine, whats being objected to is the "We have to get these very young children out of the house, put in the car and driven across town and involved in activities to get them socialized" which is an artificial way of socialization. Playdates (which is what she was placing the one hour rule on) are also artificial. What shes saying is that family (blood or chosen), the people you live with/nearby/walking distance and see on a nearly daily basis is pretty much all the socialization a 4 year old needs. Make sense?

And yes, I agree with it. But I'm also a LOT more familiar with the philosophy that is behind the article,so I know what she's referring to and more importantly, why.

But I also realize that what she's putting forth is an ideal situation in an ideal world. I don't live there. I live here. And I go to the gym and put the kids in the free childcare. And I signed the girls up for a week Camp this summer, and I take them to the park for playdates so I can socialize with the Moms. So I'm not a perfect anthroposophist, I also used birth control when I considered myself Catholic. But I knew what the ideal was then too, I took what I could and managed the best I could.

Re: Nah, not psychotic

[mollygm.livejournal.com]

I had a really long response, but of course I goofed somehow and closed the window. Crap.

Ok, bullets.

*I don't like the "mothers group" version of "playdates" either, but there's a range of different settings.

*No difference between driving your kids to the grocery store and driving them to a friend's house. What's the big deal? Are you never supposed to drive them anywhere?

*No difference between having them socialize with cousins and other children who are not related. Why is a "playgroup" bad, but extended family ok?

*Isolation is BAD for mothers and children. Leading factor in depression and child abuse. If you don't live in a village where you're contantly surrounded by people you know, you have to get out or invite people over. There's nothing wrong with it.

*It's not "ideal." It's a romanticization of some "anthroposophical" model that either didn't exist or only existed in certain places and worked for those people. Humans are adaptable.

Bullet response

[aelfie.livejournal.com]

Driving: Exactly. Children are to be at home. I don't take the kids shopping, I leave them at home with Joe as much as possible. Not all the time, but as much as I can manage.

Playgroup vs. Extended family: You are missing the point on this one. The point she is trying to make is socializing should be done at home without having to go somewhere. You know, with people in the neighborhood. Again,she's describing an "ideal" situation where family live in the same neighborhood. Not a lot of people have family nearby, but family can be created.

Isolation: you responded to this one yourself. The answer is to invite people over. The children stay home, in their own environment as much as possible. Isolation is really bad for adults, it isn't necessarily so for young children. Playgroups are for adults, not for the kids. We say its for the kids so they can be "socialized" but in reality the kids would be just as happy to stay home and play with their toys and/or their sibs, its Mom who needs the outing.

Idealism: Humans are adaptable to a certain point. Why do we have such a huge increase in autism? Why an explosion in sensory processing disorders? ADD? ADHD? Auto-immune disease? Anthroposophists point to an over-stimulating childhood (ages 0-7)that is rampant in our culture. You've got to remember this is a philosophy that believes that TV, Video Games, recorded music, and computers should NEVER be in a home with young children, or at least never exposing the children to it. It also believes that children have no business near a computer until High School! Part of the parent contract at most Waldorf Schools is that you will not allow your children to watch movies or TV. They are very concerned with over-stimulation. Is this a romantized ideal? Yes. Is it doable? Yes. Is it work to make it doable? Absolutely. Do I know of anybody that actually keeps to the ideal? No. But we know that the ideal is, and we do our best to meet it. Why? We try because we believe that on some level, this idea of over-stimulation is correct. And we make the changes that fit our family lifestyle.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

thought-provoking set of points