Mothers Guilt-warning lots of emoting here.

[aelfie]

All the child rearing books say that you shouldn't feel guilty about raising your children. That everyone makes mistakes and that beating yourself up for things isn't productive. It's good advice, but it doesn't help much. Especially for those who grew up with parents who's main method of discipline and/or abuse was guilt.

I hate the fact that I don't have any energy.
I hate it that I just want Ike to go away at times.
I hate seeing him sitting in front of the TV completely content for hours at a time.
 I hate the fact that I don't have the energy to play with him.
I hate that I just can't seem to do more than get out of bed some days.
I hate it that some days I'm really ambilivent about this pregnancy, especially considering what I had to do to get it. People say "Twins, isn't that exciting?!?!" and my response is relief.
I'm afraid that I'm ruining my son.
I'm afraid that my shortcomings are going to be a detrimental affect on him.
I'm afraid that Ike's goint to turn into some uneducated, 30 second attention span, overweight blob, parasite on the universe because I know I let him watch too much TV right now.
I'm afraid of passing my really bad habits onto Ike.
I'm afraid that I'm missing out on some of Ike's most crucial learning years, as the habits he picks up now are going to be with him forever.
I'm afraid I'll never have the energy to really play with him again.
I'm afraid that after Elli and Gwen are born I'll continue to ignore his needs.
I feel guilty because I don't seem to be capabale of being the mother I know I could be.
I feel guilty that I just turn that damn babble box on when ever we are inside.
I feel guilty 'cause I just don't have the energy to do anything else.
I feel guilty 'cause my little boy needs me and I can't do anything more than sit and rest.
I feel guilty 'cause sometimes I think if I weren't pregnant I'd feel better.
I feel guilty that I'm not being a good wife lately.
I feel sad because Ike deserves so much better.
I feel sad that this pregnancy is really physically draining me.
I feel sad 'cause I'm watching aristocats 4 times in a row, and that its makes Ike happy.
I feel sad because I feel like such a useless blob right now.
I feel sad 'cause I don't get much joy out of my baby's smile.
I feel sad 'cause my temper is so short lately.
I feel sad 'cause I don't shield Ike sufficiently from my shortcomings.
I feel sad 'cause Joe is working his ass off both at work and especially at home.
I feel sad 'cause I feel I'm not holding my end of my marriage up.
I feel sad 'cause in some ways I just don't care. All I want to do is pull the covers over my head and sleep.

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

All the child rearing books say that you shouldn't feel guilty about raising your children.

Heh. And in my experience, anything that tells you how you should or shouldn't feel just makes it all worse. Now you can feel guilty about feeling guilty. Joy.

All these feelings and worries make sense to me. You wouldn't feel this way if you didn't care, right? You do care. *And* I don't think you are (or are raising) a useless blob.

Y'know what? I wonder how much of this is related to devaluing motherhood. It's unskilled labor, right? ...therefore it should be easy, right? Fooey on that.

Anyhow, hugs. I hope things look better than this some of the time. :-/

[allanh.livejournal.com]

Frankly, I'd be a lot more worried if you WEREN'T worried. It shows you care.

It's not unreasonable to consider and perhaps edit one's behavior around children. I make a point of considering what I'm going to say around Ike quite a bit more recently. Certainly, I've been trying (with varying amounts of success) to edit my language.

On the other hand, I also don't treat Ike like a little kid. I believe in treating kids like any other person, which means I don't use baby talk with him or special wheedling tones of voice. When I was a kid, I hated adults who treated me like some mentally deficient object, and I swore to never do that to anyone else's kids. I've noted that you and Joe also don't treat Ike like a little kid, and I heartily approve.

As I';ve told you both before ... you're both highly intelligent, and any kids you two create are going to be frighteningly, scathingly brilliant. Which is both a blessing and a curse. Brilliant kids are a lot harder to keep busy and satisfied. Expect "Why?" to be Ike's next big ASL word.

You could always try getting Ike used to listening to the radio (NPR, Radio Disney, one of the classical stations) instead of watching TV. That would also let you do needlework while listening.


Uh ... "Elli"? "Gwen"?

They're both lovely names, but from you and Joe, I would have expected something a little more ... hell-raising. For example: Hazel [Meade], Podkayne, Edith [Stone], Susan [Calvin], Telzey [Amberdon], or Scirocco [Jones].

Or Susan [B. Anthony], Amelia [Bloomer], Julia [Howe], or Lucretia [Mott].

Now as for the rest of it ... you and Joe very carefully planned out your first couple of pregancies, including timing between the first and second kids. So far, everything you've both predicted would come to pass, has come to pass. But raising kids isn't easy, and isn't for everyone. (That's why Randy & I are counting on you two to raise at least one or two smart "extras" on our behalf.)

Finally ... the best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley. You can't anticipate everything. This is a temporary phase, and you will pull out of it. Don't be afraid to ask friends and relatives for help...the worst they can say is "no".

And yes, as soon as I have a weekend where I'm not working, I'll create a big-ass lasagna to bring over.

(Hugs!)

Names

[psi-star-psi.livejournal.com]

As far as the names go, Gwendolyn Hazel is Hazel Meade. She went by Gwen Novak in The Cat Who Walks Through Walls. (I just double-checked.) Jenny objects to using Hazel as the first name due its recent use by some celebrity. (Julia Roberts, I believe.)

Eleanor Quinn is from the Vorkosigan books. She kicks many buttocks.

Susan is my sister's name, so it is right out. Otherwise, you better believe we would have a Susan Calvin. Hmmm, Susan Calvin...*drool*. I've had the hots for her since 7th grade. I have no plans to ever watch I, Robot because I don't want to pollute my image of what she looks like. Now, if they'd used Janeane Garofalo with her glasses on, then we're talking. Hmmm, Janeane Garofalo....*drool*.

And you call yourself a SciFi Fan...=)

[aelfie.livejournal.com]

Okay, I don't think you read the Vorkosigan books, so I'll let the not recognizing Elli Quinn slide. To quote Joe, she kicks many butts. That woman took a plasma arc to the face and while blind took out two cops trying to arrest Miles. Not bad. She eventually became the Admiral and Fleet Commander in Chief to the Dendarrii Free Mercenaries. Elli Rocks!

But I don't like giving what I consider a nickname to children. I like giving them options. So I thought...hrmm what is Elli short for? Ooo! Eleanor! That's a great name! After all, wouldn't you agree that Eleanor Roosevelt, Eleanor of Aquitaine, and (you should remember this one) Eleanor Weatheral are/were really cool, strong, hell-rasing women? Yes indeed. =)

Again, I was going to let that one slide. It was a bit obscure and roundabout. But not recognizing Gwendolyn Hazel? You disappoint me! I had planned on naming a twin girl Hazel Meade until Julia Roberts named her daughter Hazel. (The original idea was Anne Shirley and Hazel Meade two of the coolest redheads in Fiction) I was like Dammit! Now everyone's going to start using it. I refuse to purposely give a child a name they might end up being one of 5 in a classroom with, (both Joe and I lived through that) its annoying. So I began to think, well, I first met Hazel as Gwen in The Cat Who Walks Through Walls and Gwen's a cool nickname. What's the full name. Ooo...Gwendolyn that's an uncommon name and its really pretty. Okay Gwendolyn Hazel it is.

Lets see, Susan is a family name, no go. So is Julia. And can you find an average american who can pronounce Lucretia (or one of my fave's Lettice) correctly? I had to look up Scirocco and Telzey as neither Joe nor I had any idea who they were. So now I have some reading to do. =) Do you have copies I can borrow?

And, oh Elizabeth Cady-Staton was MUCH cooler than Susan B. She just got the short end of the stick in History as she was demoted to sidekick. A real injustice.

Believe it or not Ike does not like listening to music. If he can't watch TV then everything needs to be off. And I haven't had the energy lately to fight him on it. As I would prefer to have music (or even George Carlin) on than the stupid babble box. And believe it or not he won't let me stitch. He gets too interested in what I'm doing and trys to play with the needles, sissors, fibers, etc. I'm waiting till he's a bit older and can better understand "that's mine! hands off! Its dangerous." Again lack of energy prevents my trying. I get too angry fighting him over it, so its not worth it. But I do get to read so six of one, half dozen of another.

Language editing is difficult. I fail often too. I know I've lost my temper when I hear myself say "Dammit Ike!" So I'm better, but still have lots of room to improve.

And I'd love a lasagna. you make the best!

Re: And you call yourself a SciFi Fan...=)

[allanh.livejournal.com]

And YOU call yourself a SciFi Fan ... hrmpf. I can't believe you've never run across James Schmitz and his "Telzey Amberdon" stories. He was one of the first SF writers to create strong female protagonists who had opinions, thought for themselves, and didn't just sit around waiting for a male character to bail them out of trouble.

You probably HAVE run across James Schmitz before ... he wrote "The Witches of Karres". If you haven't read "Witches", you really should.

It's possible I have copies...

Re: And you call yourself a SciFi Fan...=)

[aelfie.livejournal.com]

I haven't run across either. Until I met Joe I really didn't know anybody else who liked to read SciFi. Keep in mind I found Uncle Robbie by accident. I've always met people who read fantasy, but not SciFi. Which is why I value your knowledge, not only as a friend and a reader, but as a reference librarian. I like to know of people who know more about a subject than I do.

Which reminds me someone tapped me for a readers advisory and I couldn't help, but I immediately thought of you. Now I just need to remember who asked and what the base example was! =)