Some thinking on my own
Oct. 19th, 2005 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aelfieOne of CJ's latest entries has prompted my own inner musings about friendships.
Or more specifically, my lack thereof.
For my entire life at any given time, I have had, usually, one really good girlfriend. By this I mean, someone I could call on the phone for no reason at all just to chat. Or say "I need to go grocery shopping, wanna come?" Or something stupid like that. For most of my life, after a period of time, there is a falling out, sometimes positive (drifting apart after high school) and sometimes negative (huge fight). But it has always bothered me that I've never had the circle of girlfriends that "most" other women seem to have. Am I a loner at nature? Dunno, I don't think so. Is this a learned habit? Quite possibly.
Neither of my parents have what I would call a large circle of friends. My Dad has one best friend and really doesn't socialize with anyone else. (the fact that his wife is a total, and complete bitch that nobody can stand, just might have something to do with it. But that's just my opinion.) My mother has had one best friend for more than 30 years and really hasn't any other girlfriends either. (FYI, Joe's parents aren't any better. Strange concidence I think.)
Anyway, I didn't gather a circle of friends until after college. But the life of the Valley makes in next to impossible to see any of them with any regularity (see CJ's entry) and it is damn well depressing.
Joe and I have always stated that we wanted to leave the Valley, as its a crappy place to raise kids. (Schools suck, too bloody expensive to live here, too many assholes live here, etc, etc.) But now, as we have kids, and am contemplating moving to, not only another city, but another state, I find myself reluctant to do so.
Part of it's family history. My kids are 6th generation Bay Areans, and I'm the only one not born in Santa Clara County. My family's second farm is still standing in Santa Clara as a museum, I grew up in that house. The family houses in Willow Glen are still there too and are worth amounts of money that would make my Great-Grandmother sigh in disbelief. The farm my dad grew up on is now under a subdivision, and the farm my Gram grew up on is now a strip mall. I've not only got a lot of history here, but my entire family is still here. And I know them all. I am reluctant to leave, not my mother (I know she'll follow us, bleh), but my grandmother. I'm here only grandchild. She was only 41 when I was born, she truly is my other mother, and I can't stand the idea of not living near her.
The other part is that for the first time in my life, I have a true support network. I've never had girlfriends like I do now and I've always wanted them. I know that if I called any one of the Mom's from Ike's playgroup in the middle of the night, they would be at my side as fast as they could drive (and a couple did do so in this last pregnancy) I see these women 2-3 times a week. Sometimes more often, I can pick up the phone to just talk to anyone of them (but who the hell has the time chasing kids?). Or call and say I'm bored...want to go to the park? I have many friends both on and off LJ whom I love and adore, for whom I would walk thru fire for, but this group of Mothers is something completely different. And I don't know how to describe it. I think its the constant contact. The fact that I know that every tuesday and friday morning, I'll see my friends. And that's comforting. And I really, really do not want to give that up.
Or more specifically, my lack thereof.
For my entire life at any given time, I have had, usually, one really good girlfriend. By this I mean, someone I could call on the phone for no reason at all just to chat. Or say "I need to go grocery shopping, wanna come?" Or something stupid like that. For most of my life, after a period of time, there is a falling out, sometimes positive (drifting apart after high school) and sometimes negative (huge fight). But it has always bothered me that I've never had the circle of girlfriends that "most" other women seem to have. Am I a loner at nature? Dunno, I don't think so. Is this a learned habit? Quite possibly.
Neither of my parents have what I would call a large circle of friends. My Dad has one best friend and really doesn't socialize with anyone else. (the fact that his wife is a total, and complete bitch that nobody can stand, just might have something to do with it. But that's just my opinion.) My mother has had one best friend for more than 30 years and really hasn't any other girlfriends either. (FYI, Joe's parents aren't any better. Strange concidence I think.)
Anyway, I didn't gather a circle of friends until after college. But the life of the Valley makes in next to impossible to see any of them with any regularity (see CJ's entry) and it is damn well depressing.
Joe and I have always stated that we wanted to leave the Valley, as its a crappy place to raise kids. (Schools suck, too bloody expensive to live here, too many assholes live here, etc, etc.) But now, as we have kids, and am contemplating moving to, not only another city, but another state, I find myself reluctant to do so.
Part of it's family history. My kids are 6th generation Bay Areans, and I'm the only one not born in Santa Clara County. My family's second farm is still standing in Santa Clara as a museum, I grew up in that house. The family houses in Willow Glen are still there too and are worth amounts of money that would make my Great-Grandmother sigh in disbelief. The farm my dad grew up on is now under a subdivision, and the farm my Gram grew up on is now a strip mall. I've not only got a lot of history here, but my entire family is still here. And I know them all. I am reluctant to leave, not my mother (I know she'll follow us, bleh), but my grandmother. I'm here only grandchild. She was only 41 when I was born, she truly is my other mother, and I can't stand the idea of not living near her.
The other part is that for the first time in my life, I have a true support network. I've never had girlfriends like I do now and I've always wanted them. I know that if I called any one of the Mom's from Ike's playgroup in the middle of the night, they would be at my side as fast as they could drive (and a couple did do so in this last pregnancy) I see these women 2-3 times a week. Sometimes more often, I can pick up the phone to just talk to anyone of them (but who the hell has the time chasing kids?). Or call and say I'm bored...want to go to the park? I have many friends both on and off LJ whom I love and adore, for whom I would walk thru fire for, but this group of Mothers is something completely different. And I don't know how to describe it. I think its the constant contact. The fact that I know that every tuesday and friday morning, I'll see my friends. And that's comforting. And I really, really do not want to give that up.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 05:33 am (UTC)If one or both of you spoke French, there's always Vancouver ... but not a lot of tech jobs up there. To emigrate to Canada, you'd probably have to go somewhere in Ontario, where they have truly sucky winters, and you and Joe would both be miserable.
While Joe's engineering job skills are easily transportable ... they're also uniquely suited to the Valley. As is Joe's and your personalities and temperments.
Having said all of that ... in an absolutely, undeniably selfish way, Randy & I don't want y'all to move out of the Bay Area, either.
Now that my health problems are ironed out, the twins have been properly churched (or nearly so), and I'm not going to be travelling as much this coming year (see my next LJ entry for details) ... I've made an early resolution to socialize more. You and Joe have only to suggest a get togehter, and Randy & I are usualy happy to oblige (well, not on Randy's twice-a-year, 4AM-starting-time inventory weekends).
My personal challenge is for US to do the asking at least half of the time.
:)
no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 05:39 am (UTC)I miss you guys, and i wanna see the kids.
So...I'm not working Mondays next month. Perhaps we could work something out.
Also...did you get the hats?
no subject
Date: 2005-10-24 04:29 pm (UTC)Sadly, you (and others I know) are stuck in the unenviable position of having put down roots in a place that has some serious disadvantages. I know some folks who are moving for financial reasons, and it's tough. :-/ Heck, even I am not deeply looking forward to moving, and I've only been here fourteen years. I knew when I arrived that I didn't want to stay forever. It's still not easy.