Free Floating Exhaustion
Aug. 4th, 2006 09:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aelfieYou know, Hillary Clinton was right.
It does take a freaking village to raise a child. The hell with the idea of one child. It takes a freaking urban landscape to raise three. Do you have any idea how frustrating to ask for help, make plans for that help, and have that help flake on you? Its happened to me 3 times now. And I hate it. Everyone says "I'll be glad to help, just ask." Asking is hard enough, its admitting that you can't keep it together, that you aren't good enough to do it by yourself. And then when you do ask, they don't show. Its making me not want to ask for help. Its making me disbelieve in my friends. It also doesn't help that my freaking village is spread over northern california. Everyone is so busy, living their own lives. Its not like they can drop everything just to help me. Not their fault. But it still sucks.
I am so exhausted. I have never been this tired. I have no reserves left. I am moving on sheer will alone. If I stop to think about it, I start to cry. And I can't stop. I am walking on the ragged edge of exhaustion. I fall asleep at red lights. I have to drink caffeine just to make sure I'll make it to my destination alive 'cause I'm falling asleep behind the wheel. Its damn scary let me tell you
I have become the mother I loathe. One who constantly screams at her children. I have to stop myself from spanking Ike, I'm afraid I won't stop until he's black and blue.
I think I figured out why we don't have decent child care in America. Neo-cons keep voting it down. They don't see a need. Neo-cons are religious people. They also tend to stay in their neighborhoods. Their village is intact. And if, heaven forbid, they move. They go to their churches, and the village is right there. I think that's the one thing Protestantism has gotten right. It does feel like family. If one member family has a crisis, they swoop on in en masse and take care of everything. Child care, bills, food, home repairs. Everything. Its a support system unlike anything I've ever seen before. Catholics don't get it. We've got too many centuries of being apathetic about church. Its something you go to. Its an obligation. I don't go to Mass 'cause its too much bloody work keeping three small kids quiet. In a protestant church they'd be in the church daycare. Mom actually gets a few hours break. I'm jealous of that. Paganism is even worse. I can find a catholic church in the bloody yellow pages. How in the hell do you find a circle? You have to know somebody. If you don't know somebody your stuck as a solitary. And dammit that's just lonely. Not a hell of a lot of support. I want that feeling of inclusion. Yet I'm leary of it. Too much catholic in my I guess.
You know? My doctor made a mistake. I went to her 'cause I'm feeling depressed. (Because I'm exhaused) So she gives me a bottle of sleeping pills. You don't give a woman who is depressed sleeping pills! Pill popping is the number one method of suicide for women. She asks me to get rid of the guns in my house (too messy, what if I miss?) but hands me a bottle of sleeping pills. Where's the sense in that huh?
But you know? I have to admit. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. That bottle of sleeping pills. I see the attraction. I wouldn't be tired anymore. I wouldn't have to care for anybody anymore. But I don't like the idea of dying part. What if I screw up? Joe's so oblivious I think I'd die before he'd realize what I'd done. The stomach pumping part is even worse. I hate the idea of a tube being shoved down my throat. The attraction in swallowing that bottle of pills is getting my ass locked up in the psych ward for a few days. I might actually get some rest. And that might actually make it all worth trying. But its not close.
Not yet anyway.
Its pretty bad. I space out a lot. I sit on the couch watching the kids play. I feel like I'm narcoleptic again. I yank my head up with a start when I realize I've fallen asleep.
Joe's mom is coming in a 10 days. I am really looking forward to the help. But I'm afraid to expect it too. I'm afraid that this two week visit will be a repeat of the month she came out to help right after Ike was born. No help at all. It was nice that someone else was here. But help? Not really.
What I need is a wife. Or a co-wife actually. Just another adult around to help. Someone who can take turns pushing the kids on the swing. Someone who can spell me long enough to take a stupid nap. Some to help fold laundry (although Joe is a wonder launderess). Graysons have this shit figured out. Its too much work keeping a house going. It takes more than 2 adults. Especially when you add kids to the mix. They just drain all the energy right out of you. Sometimes at the end of the day I feel so empty. I feel all used up. Nothing left. No energy to even go to bed. Hell sometimes I feel like that at 1 in the afternoon. But kids don't understand that. They just keep at you asking for more. And its draining.
Thinking of bed. Girls are asleep. Mom will get Ike to bed. Time to find mine. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.
But I'm not counting on it.
It does take a freaking village to raise a child. The hell with the idea of one child. It takes a freaking urban landscape to raise three. Do you have any idea how frustrating to ask for help, make plans for that help, and have that help flake on you? Its happened to me 3 times now. And I hate it. Everyone says "I'll be glad to help, just ask." Asking is hard enough, its admitting that you can't keep it together, that you aren't good enough to do it by yourself. And then when you do ask, they don't show. Its making me not want to ask for help. Its making me disbelieve in my friends. It also doesn't help that my freaking village is spread over northern california. Everyone is so busy, living their own lives. Its not like they can drop everything just to help me. Not their fault. But it still sucks.
I am so exhausted. I have never been this tired. I have no reserves left. I am moving on sheer will alone. If I stop to think about it, I start to cry. And I can't stop. I am walking on the ragged edge of exhaustion. I fall asleep at red lights. I have to drink caffeine just to make sure I'll make it to my destination alive 'cause I'm falling asleep behind the wheel. Its damn scary let me tell you
I have become the mother I loathe. One who constantly screams at her children. I have to stop myself from spanking Ike, I'm afraid I won't stop until he's black and blue.
I think I figured out why we don't have decent child care in America. Neo-cons keep voting it down. They don't see a need. Neo-cons are religious people. They also tend to stay in their neighborhoods. Their village is intact. And if, heaven forbid, they move. They go to their churches, and the village is right there. I think that's the one thing Protestantism has gotten right. It does feel like family. If one member family has a crisis, they swoop on in en masse and take care of everything. Child care, bills, food, home repairs. Everything. Its a support system unlike anything I've ever seen before. Catholics don't get it. We've got too many centuries of being apathetic about church. Its something you go to. Its an obligation. I don't go to Mass 'cause its too much bloody work keeping three small kids quiet. In a protestant church they'd be in the church daycare. Mom actually gets a few hours break. I'm jealous of that. Paganism is even worse. I can find a catholic church in the bloody yellow pages. How in the hell do you find a circle? You have to know somebody. If you don't know somebody your stuck as a solitary. And dammit that's just lonely. Not a hell of a lot of support. I want that feeling of inclusion. Yet I'm leary of it. Too much catholic in my I guess.
You know? My doctor made a mistake. I went to her 'cause I'm feeling depressed. (Because I'm exhaused) So she gives me a bottle of sleeping pills. You don't give a woman who is depressed sleeping pills! Pill popping is the number one method of suicide for women. She asks me to get rid of the guns in my house (too messy, what if I miss?) but hands me a bottle of sleeping pills. Where's the sense in that huh?
But you know? I have to admit. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. That bottle of sleeping pills. I see the attraction. I wouldn't be tired anymore. I wouldn't have to care for anybody anymore. But I don't like the idea of dying part. What if I screw up? Joe's so oblivious I think I'd die before he'd realize what I'd done. The stomach pumping part is even worse. I hate the idea of a tube being shoved down my throat. The attraction in swallowing that bottle of pills is getting my ass locked up in the psych ward for a few days. I might actually get some rest. And that might actually make it all worth trying. But its not close.
Not yet anyway.
Its pretty bad. I space out a lot. I sit on the couch watching the kids play. I feel like I'm narcoleptic again. I yank my head up with a start when I realize I've fallen asleep.
Joe's mom is coming in a 10 days. I am really looking forward to the help. But I'm afraid to expect it too. I'm afraid that this two week visit will be a repeat of the month she came out to help right after Ike was born. No help at all. It was nice that someone else was here. But help? Not really.
What I need is a wife. Or a co-wife actually. Just another adult around to help. Someone who can take turns pushing the kids on the swing. Someone who can spell me long enough to take a stupid nap. Some to help fold laundry (although Joe is a wonder launderess). Graysons have this shit figured out. Its too much work keeping a house going. It takes more than 2 adults. Especially when you add kids to the mix. They just drain all the energy right out of you. Sometimes at the end of the day I feel so empty. I feel all used up. Nothing left. No energy to even go to bed. Hell sometimes I feel like that at 1 in the afternoon. But kids don't understand that. They just keep at you asking for more. And its draining.
Thinking of bed. Girls are asleep. Mom will get Ike to bed. Time to find mine. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.
But I'm not counting on it.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-05 04:38 am (UTC)Fortunately or unfortunately, my willingness to help out and mean it won't be tested, given that I live two states away from you. But I wish that I could.
I also wish I had helpful suggestions, but I'm sure anything I could think of you already have.
So, just... damn. That sucks.
On a stick!
Date: 2006-08-05 04:17 pm (UTC)(Thanks, Jen and I both needed that laugh. Even if it was unintentional.)
no subject
Date: 2006-08-10 09:26 pm (UTC)I have to say (although a bit late) that you have the most wonderful phraseology I've ever seen.
And the first thing it did was make me laugh. Thank you. I really needed it.
"...REAL friends help you move bodies."
Date: 2006-08-05 05:13 am (UTC)(b) I appreciate your candor re: sleeping pills, but remember my dad suicided via prescription drug O/D ... and it wouldn't be fair to Joe or the rest of us.
(c) If you'll cook dinner, I'll bring Randy over to help fold laundry. Remind me to ask him to agree to this at some point. :)
Re: "...REAL friends help you move bodies."
Date: 2006-08-05 06:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-05 06:01 am (UTC)During the time your mom-in-law's around, could you arrange with her for a day (or two, even) where you can just disappear? Hide out at a friends, get a massage, surprise Joe at his office with some lingerie. Whatever might jump start your energies. Do yourself some fun, even if its only temporary.
I'll even volunteeer to watch should the occasion allow and one of us is in the other's neck, though you might bear in mind that my general skill level is at the tieemuptokeepemsafeandmesaave variety.
In the meantime, though, hugs and good thoughts are what I've got. You can have 'em.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-05 07:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-05 11:00 pm (UTC)My initial reaction to this comment was impolite -
Date: 2006-08-06 03:40 am (UTC)Were I to be reborn, I can't think of a set of parents I'd rather have. Tired, frustrated, exhausted, loving, caring and real. Flawed, yes, and willing to admit to said flaws and work on them, even to asking for help when it's needed. That, to me, is a real parent.
So, Anonymous, realize nothing is expected from you in respect of this comment. It's simply a reaffirmation that there are kind, caring people in this world.
May you be well with your own life.
Re: My initial reaction to this comment was impolite -
Date: 2006-08-06 04:06 am (UTC)It gives me great big warm fuzzies that I have friends who are willing to go to bat for me.
Re: My initial reaction to this comment was impolite -
Date: 2006-08-06 04:36 am (UTC)Goodness knows, I do think you and Joe are very cool people. You should know that.
Re: My initial reaction to this comment was impolite -
Date: 2006-08-06 04:42 am (UTC)I also think that you and G rock too! Wish we lived closer to each other.
Re: My initial reaction to this comment was impolite -
Date: 2006-08-06 05:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-06 04:04 am (UTC)But you obviously don't.
Anonymous Coward
Date: 2006-08-06 04:40 am (UTC)But to give you some credit. Its a fair question. After Ike, Joe and I sat down and talked, can we deal with this again? And we decided, yes. That and we hoped to God that we got a kid who slept better! And we did. We have two little girls who, individually, sleep much better than their brother ever did. Our luck, they just don't do it at the same time!
And you know what? If you had told me two years ago (when I was trying to get pregnant for the second time) that I was going to feel like this, I wouldn't of believed you. Its like trying to describe a 36 hour labor to a woman who's pregnant with her first child. She hopes to god her labor isn't that bad, but still ends up with an experience that sears the soul. You cannot describe the experience adequately, you can only live it. Its that journey into the unknown.
No one expects that raising kids is as hard as it is. I'd been warned by other parents of twins "The first year sucks" "I don't remember the first year, its a blurr of sleep deprivation." "Keep asking for help, its the only way to survive." Hell there's even a book title called "I Sleep at Red Lights: A True Story of Life After Triplets" And I remember thinking, God I hope it doesn't get that bad. (Which while I'm thinking of it, parents of triplets and higher order multiples? You people fucking rock! I am in awe of you!) But it has. And I'm surviving, barely, but surviving. And I know it will get better in the next few months.
Nor has this experience stopped me from thinking about having another child. Some days I'm like "no way in fucking hell". Other days, its "well, maybe." But I don't have to make that decision right now. I've got time. Time to recover, time to regain my strength, time to get my whacked out adrenal and endrocrine systems fixed. God knows I don't want to get knocked up right this second. But a year from now? I can say definitely-maybe.
This is the most soul sucking experience of my life. But I wouldn't trade it. In a lot of ways its made me grow. I firmly believe that God doesn't give you a task that is beyond your ability to do. She only asks that you try. To reach. And to grow into what you could become.